How to Develop a Secure Attachment in your Child
If you haven’t read my blog on “Understanding Attachment Styles,” it will be helpful to read that prior to this blog in order to understand what we’re discussing here!
Developing a secure attachment with your children is really important. It can be beneficial for them in their future when it comes to relationships, self-esteem, and success.
To recap, a secure attachment is developed in early childhood when the child’s caregiver(s) are attuned to the child’s basic and emotional needs, and ensure they are consistently meeting them. Having a secure attachment has many benefits, including having a positive view of themself and of others, feeling confident in their world, and being able to balance independency and dependency. Some other benefits include being able to be emotionally available for others, foster healthy and long-lasting relationships, trust the world (& themselves and others), to understand and regulate emotions, and recognize their own needs and others in social contexts.
Your infant and/or young child knows that you (as their caregiver) are the person they have to go to for their needs to be met. When you do this, they learn to trust and feel secure, fostering the belief that future relationships should and will be positive.
My tips as a therapist for you to foster a secure attachment for your child:
Show your emotions and the ability to effectively regulate them to your children
Children are observant. They learn from watching modeled behavior and quickly imitate that behavior. I had a friend who told me about how her young toddler starting saying, “ope” — which if you don’t know, is a “midwestern” thing to say. It’s a commonly used expression that people use when they bump into someone, drop something, or in similar situations. My friend, as most of us do who live in our area, commonly uses this expression. Quickly after her child started talking, she picked up the word “ope” and started using it when she was in the described situations above. This is a great example of how children are watching and learning from their caregivers.
Being attentive to our emotions is crucial. Our emotions tell us about situations and give us information. Contrary to the societal belief, “feeling” isn’t bad…it makes us human.
When we forgo being attentive and attuned to our emotions, we miss out on what we can learn from them and refrain from giving them the attention they deserve. Being attentive and familiar with emotions can also improve social interactions as they provide signals about needs. So, when we learn to recognize our own emotions, we can be better equipped to recognize emotions in others (such as our children, friends, or romantic partners). We have a better ability to be aware of how we can help and support others when needed.
When a child can’t effectively regulate their emotions, this can lead to disruptive responses to our emotions — like anger, tantrums, outbursts, or irritability. Showing your child how YOU regulate your emotions, will teach them how they will end up regulating theirs, healthy or not. When you can regulate your emotions in a healthy way, this will teach your child to accept and understand their own emotions…and that they emotions are okay, valid, and deserve space, and they don’t have to be overbearing all the time.
Be attuned to your child’s physical and emotional needs—and validate them.
Being attuned means that we are aware and receptive. When you’re attuned to your child, you can understand exactly what needs their cues are signaling. This allows for you to respond accurately and better meet them. By doing so, they learn that people are safe and trustworthy…and that they can depend on others in a healthy way. Physical needs may look like a bottle/food, diaper change or a bath, or a nap. Meeting emotional needs may look like soothing your crying child, showing them love and comfort through a hug, helping them with a task, supporting them when they take on a new hobby, or praising them and showing them that they are valued.
Empathy, communication, and listening skills are symbolic in being attuned to someone. When a child is met with acceptance, active listening, and empathy, of course they are going to feel heard, valued, and seen — which teaches them that they matter, their feelings matter, and helps build up a healthy and positive self-esteem.
Foster independency, while remaining safe by for dependency
Children not only need to learn to trust others, but to trust themselves. They need to have a sense of independency in order to be confident in themselves. You can foster independency safely by allowing your child to explore on their own, but remaining safe by for security and comfort when needed. Let’s you’re at a park…your child may want to run around and get a feel for all of the toys, activities, and fun equipment. So you may take a step back and wait on the sidelines, being attentive, making sure they know your close by if comfort is needed, but still allowing them to explore on their own. Remaining close for security can allow your child to confidently explore their world — and through encouragement and making it known that you’re still there for them, they know if they need you, you’re available, but can still practice becoming confident in themselves.
Be accessible and available
Trust can be built by honesty and character, but also through recognizing availability in other people. If a child’s parents are never around for a child to go to when desired or needed, they might feel like people aren’t accessible or available, causing them to believe their only reliable source might just be themselves. Sometimes this can foster unrealistic independency, where someone never or rarely reaches out to other people. But as humans, we need support, we need connection — especially with other humans.
Making time and space for your child to connect with you, without any distractions (our phones), is important so that they can experience emotional intimacy. Life is busy, I get it. It can be hard finding time away from work or other obligations, but time is an asset and we can use it wisely, and your child needs it from you. Giving your undivided attention to your child periodically can teach them that you’re there for them. This doesn’t mean that you have to set all of life’s other requirements aside 24/7. Instead, maybe you dedicate an hour every day to being fully theirs with no other obligations.
Delight in your child and support them
Be mindful of interacting with your child in positive, encouraging, and warm ways. Exchanging uplifting interactions with your child sends a message of delight and praise. This could be sharing excitement and encouragement with them when they are putting pieces of a puzzle together, or when they successfully share a toy with a friend. Have you ever noticed your child do one of those things, or something similar, and then they look up to you? That’s what they’re waiting for—the excitement and encouragement. When we miss out in those opportunities, we miss out on making them feel supported and like they’re important. However, creating secure attachment is about hitting the mark more often than not. We’re allowed to have times where we “miss” the mark…and this won’t mean you’re a bad parent or you’ve failed.
It can be impactful to learn about your child in order to delight in them…what do they like, what makes them happy, how do they feel about certain things, etc. When we know someone, and really know them, they feel seen, accepted, and valued — nurturing their identity.
Developing a secure attachment in your child IS important, but as a parent, and a human too, you’re allowed to give yourself grace.
As humans, we are allowed to make mistakes (because ultimately that’s how we learn and grow) and to not be perfect. It’s impossible to be flawless and you may have moments, or might have already, that you miss out on doing the above, and that’s okay. Building a secure attachment in your child isn’t about being perfect or flawless, and those features aren’t important here…it’s about doing the best that you can in all of the micro moments. Give yourself grace when you feel like you’re not living up to your fullest potential, because your child also needs to see that it’s okay to not be superb all of the time. What you do after making a “mistake” or “messing up,” matters more than the “mess up” itself. Showing your child that perfection is a false idea and not a standard teaches them that even when feeling defeated, they’re just as loved, valued, and important.