How to Develop a Secure Attachment in your Child
If you haven’t read my blog on “Understanding Attachment Styles,” it will be helpful to read that prior to this blog in order to understand what we’re discussing here!
Developing a secure attachment in your children is really important and can be beneficial for them in their future when it comes to relationships, self-esteem, and success.
To recap, a secure attachment is developed in early childhood when the child’s caregiver(s) are attuned to the child’s needs and ensure they are met. Having a secure attachment has many benefits, including a positive view of one’s self and of others, feeling confident and independent, but being emotionally and physically available for others, the ability to foster healthy and long-lasting relationships, perceiving others as trustworthy, the capacity to understand and regulate emotions, and the ability to be more attuned to other’s needs.
Your infant and/or young child knows that you (as their caregiver) are the person they have to go to for their needs to be met. When you do this, they learn to trust and feel secure, perceiving future relationships the same way. Research shows that securely attached children are more likely to be happier as adults and are less likely to develop mental illnesses in comparison to insecurely attached children.
My tips as a therapist for you to foster a secure attachment for your child:
Show your emotions and the ability to effectively regulate them to your children
Children are observant. They learn from watching modeled behavior and quickly imitate that behavior. I had a friend who told me about how her young toddler starting saying, “ope” — which if you don’t know, is a “midwestern” thing to say. It’s a commonly used expression that people use when they bump into someone, drop something, or in similar situations. My friend, as most of us do who live in our area, commonly uses this expression. Quickly after her child started talking, she picked up the word “ope” and started using it when she was in the described situations above. This is a great example of how children are watching and learning from their caregivers.
Being attentive to our emotions is essential. Our emotions tell us about situations and they make us human. When we forgo being attentive and attuned to our emotions, we miss out on what we can learn from them and refrain from giving them the attention they deserve. Being attentive and familiar with emotions can also improve social interactions as emotional expressions can be a form of communication signals. So, when we ourselves can recognize our own emotions, we can recognize emotions in others (such as our friends or romantic partners), and this causes us to be aware of how we can help and assist them.
Regulating our emotions is just as important. When we can’t effectively regulate our emotions, this can lead to disruptive responses to our emotions — like anger, tantrums, outbursts, or irritability. Showing your child how YOU regulate your emotions, will teach them how they will end up regulating theirs, healthy or not. But when you can regulate your emotions in a healthy way, this will teach your child to accept and reason with their own emotions and that they emotions are okay, valid, and deserve space, and they don’t have to consume us.
Be attuned to your child’s physical and emotional needs—and validate them.
Being attuned means that we are aware and receptive. When you’re attuned to your child’s needs and meet them, that is how they learn that people are safe and trustworthy, that they can depend on others in a healthy way. Physical needs may look like a bottle/food, diaper change or a bath, or a nap. Emotional needs may look like soothing your crying child, feeling loved and comforted by a hug, helping them with a task, showing them that their supported, or praising them when deserved, showing them that they are valued.
Empathy, communication, and listening skills can be helpful to utilize in supporting emotional needs and creating a secure attachment for your child. These are symbolic in being attuned emotionally. When they’re met with acceptance, active listening, and empathy, of course they are going to feel heard, valued, and seen — which teaches them that they matter, their feelings matter and that they’re valid, and is crucial when instilling a positive view of oneself in your child. As a parent, you can also be reciprocative of your child needing love and showing it back. There may be a time where you can remember scolding your child after they acted in a way that is inappropriate, such behavior can and is frustrating, and shortly after scolding them, they might be embarrassed and come to you for a hug. While you might be frustrated or angry, or emotionally overwhelmed yourself, giving your child a hug back anyways can fulfill their emotional need in that moment.
Foster independency, while remaining safe by for dependency
Children not only need to learn to trust others, but to trust themselves. They need to have a sense of independency in order to be confident in themselves. You can foster independency safely, by allowing your child to explore on their own but remaining safe by for security and comfort when needed. Let’s use an example of being at a park…your child may want to run around and get a feel for all of the toys, activities, and equipment. So you take a step back and wait on the sidelines, being attentive, making sure they know your close by if comfort is needed, but still allowing them to explore on their own. Remaining close for security can allow your child to confidently survey the playground and participate solo — through encouragement and making it known that you’re still there for them if they get hurt or need someone to play with, they develop confidence in being independent.
Be accessible and available
Trust can be built by honesty and character, but also through recognizing availability in other people. If a child’s parents are never around for a child to go to when desired or for the parent to initiate time, they might feel like people aren’t accessible or available, causing them to believe their only reliable source might be themselves — which might cause extreme independency, where someone never or rarely reaches out to other people. But as humans, we need support, we need connection — especially with other humans.
Making time and space for you to connect with your child, without any distractions (our phones), is important so that they get to experience intimacy with people. Life is busy, I get it. It can be hard finding time away from work or other obligations, but time is an asset and we can use it wisely, and your child needs it from you. Even when they might not be demanding or asking for it. When we’re stressed or frantically busy as adults, this can send a message to others (like your child) that you’re not available or accessible, and they may refrain from reaching out to you to diminish feeling like a “bother.” So, giving your undivided attention to your child periodically can teach them that you’re there for them, and so can making time to set aside duties or tasks to create a sense that you’re available, not just when one-on-one play or communication is happening.
Delight in your child and support them
Be mindful of interacting with your child in positive, encouraging, and warm ways. Exchanging uplifting interactions with your child sends a message of delight and praise. This could like sharing excitement and encouragement with them when they are putting pieces of a puzzle together or when they share a toy with a friend. Have you ever noticed your child do one of those things, or something similar, and then they look up to you? That’s what they’re waiting for—the excitement and encouragement. When we miss out in those opportunities, we miss out on making them feel supported and like they’re important.
It can be impactful to learn about your child: what do they like, what makes them happy, how do they feel about certain things, etc. When we know someone, and really know them, they feel seen, accepted, and valued — nurturing their identity.
Developing a secure attachment in your child IS important, but as a parent, and a human too, you’re allowed to give yourself grace.
As humans, we are allowed to make mistakes (because ultimately that’s how we learn and grow) and to not be perfect. It’s impossible to be flawless and you may have moments, or might have already, that you miss out on doing the above, and that’s okay. Building a secure attachment in your child isn’t about being perfect or flawless, and those aren’t even needed…it’s about doing the best that you can in all of the micro moments. Give yourself grace when you feel like you’re not living up to your fullest potential, because your child also needs to see that it’s okay to not be superb all of the time. What you do after making a “mistake” or “messing up,” matters more than the mess up itself. Showing your child that perfection is an idea and not a standard teaches them that even when feeling defeated, they’re just as loved, valued, and important.